I’m so sick of feeling like I don’t matter.
Like I’m the first rung on a ladder
A ladder people climb because they feel they deserve to be at the top and they don’t care who they step on to get there.

That’s me. I’m the stepping stone, the bridge, that first push people take to start walking in the right direction.
Don’t get me wrong I’m glad people are finding their way, and I’m even more happy that I’m helping them, have helped them, but some times I wish that I didn’t get so beat up and left in the dirt afterward. They move forward while I stay stuck.
And if I try to focus on me and move forward it’s “selfish”.
Because I’m not putting others’ needs before mine.
I’m not filling those expectations.
Well I deserve to be happy too. I should be able to be healthy, to move forward.
But, I don’t want to be alone, and Sometimes I feel like the only way people will stick around is if I’m what ever they want me to be, instead of just me. and what if they do stick for me, and they don’t like me, or am disappointed with me, or I hurt them cos of just how me I can be.
I’m put into all these awkward positions. These impossible situations with all of these overwhelming expectations.
I’m pushed beyond my limitations and I feel like I’m being buried alive.
When ever I try to dig myself out I always scratch someone in the process.
I can’t bare to hurt anyone.
But I can’t bare to hurt, period.
That’s all I know is hurt. That and numbness.

Choices

Ripped it like a band-aid and now my wound is bleeding
I hate these things I’m feeling
Feels like my head is reeling

Confused and used
Torn up and bruised
My heart.

This love,
Something I never wanted to loose
It’s not something I choose
These words they won’t do
But no, I’m not through

The choice is mine
To fight or resign
To try for something that may be only “fine”
That “fine” you say when you’re really not fine
But you don’t wanna talk about it
Cos that could make it real

Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s right
To know what’s best for you
What’s healthy for you
Not what’s expected of you

I’ve written my fate with my mistakes
I end up where I am cos of the choices I make

You can’t control anyone but you
People will react the way they want to
The only power you is have is over what you will do
So ask yourself,
Which path do you chose?
Is this best for you?

You say you love me for who I am
I wish I could say the same,
But do I really know you?

I don’t want things right now to change,
But something has got to happen.
I want to get to know you.

I wanna know about your favorite things.
I want to see your secret places to escape.
All of the things that make you who you are.

When will I know you?

Sometimes I feel there is everything between us.
Sometimes I feel there is nothing at all.

I can hear the excitement in your voice when you see me.
When I feel your arms around me.
I wish it were the only place I want to be,
But you feel like a stranger to me.
I feel as if you don’t deserve someone so unsure.

I wish I could just fall for you
Let you make everything okay
But you don’t love me anymore
I have a feeling it’s going to stay that way

She fucked you up
He fucked me up

We both can’t be in love with two people
We both have obstacles we need to over come
They’re both just challengers to be defeated
They’re both just battles to be won

I met you
You met me

We’ll face the two who broke us
We’ll brandish our swords and sheilds
Once we’ve driven them away
We’ll  help each other heal

I know you’re upset
You know that I’m crazy

I know it can seem like for ever
And it won’t just be today
But one thing I can promise you

In the end we’ll be okay

No words shared
Not one hello
Not a whisper

Blame being tossed back and forth
Like a tennis ball in an emotional match
Both players with faults

One acknowledges them
Faces them
The other continues to wield his racket
Living in his delusions of perfection

The first thrives
She stands strong
Continuing to live

The second hoped his form would teach her a lesson
About perfection, a word that should not exist
And how much he deserved it
A lesson that she should have been what she is not

He wanted her to take those words as an instruction
To return as the perfect image he felt he so much deserved
He wanted her to learn that lesson of lies

He wanted to teach her
But who gave him a diploma?

Watch, watch as those select few, those brave soldiers, march in, as the hypocyrite [Hip-o-sigh-right] pixieflowers dance around them, and sing their hymns of aww and inspiration. Watch as they sprinkle their dust of superior knowledge and being over the grassy planes. As you wait, watch them pass, and see the dust and soot they left behind blow away in the breeze,  know that, after all they do, their loud foot prints, their siren songs, they go as easily as they came, and all that they attempt to leave behind fades. Not one trace of their dark presence is seen nor heard, and all their efforts were for not.

Caitlyn
ENG 101

Essay #3

                                                         Unforgiven
           

This Clint Eastwood classic, to me, was a bit of a domino effect of events. What I mean to say is, if thing A happens, that causes thing B to happen, which causes thing C to happen, and so on and so forth. That’s what happened in this film.

The film takes place in the year 1880 in a town called Big Whiskey. It started with two cow boys who decided it was perfectly okay to cut up a woman’s face. That woman was a prostitute whose name was Delilah Fitzgerald, and she lived in a saloon and whore house. Here was this seemingly innocent woman simply doing what she was paid for, and this cowboy decided that because she wasn’t doing her job to his satisfaction, she deserved to be punished. So, he cut up her face, neck, and upper torso with his knife, while his partner held the other prostitutes, Delilah’s friends, back from helping her escape. The owner of the saloon called the sheriff, Little Bill, down to deal with what had happened.

Little Bill dealt with the situation as if it were an injustice of business. To him, the two cowboys had ruined the owner’s property and therefor saw it fit to punish the two criminals by making them give the owner property of their own to compensate, seven horses. Seven horses in exchange for a crime against another human because Delilah wasn’t seen as a person, but a thing of business and profit, a product. The two men ruined that product like breaking a vase in an antique shop. The men were not whipped, locked up, nor hanged, but were simply fined for compensation. Little Bill dealt with the situation so unjustly and poorly that the other prostitutes saw it fit to rebel and take the matter into their own hands.

Those women pooled all of their money together and sent out a bounty for anyone who would kill the two men who committed such a terrible crime. They sent out a call for assassins to justify what had happened to Delilah. That call reached the ears of a young man, who was referred to as The Schofield Kid, who seemed to be only in his early twenties.

Schofield wanted to be seen as a big tough cowboy who kills a lot and doesn’t give a damn. Mostly because in that time that was perceived as what a man should be. He boasted to have killed five men, and after hearing about the bounty Delilah’s housemates sent out, he went to find one of the most notoriously known men to be his partner. That man was William Munny (Clint Eastwood).

William Munny was known as one of the most fearsome men in the west and was heard to have killed many men. He married in 1867 and had two children. Since his marriage he stopped killing, gave up gunfighting, drinking, and most other vices, and raised a hogfarm with his wife and children. When his wife died from small pox in 1878 he was left to take care of the farm and his children, neither of which he was very good at. When Schofield came to Munny with the offer to partner in the assassinations, Munny reluctantly accepted the job, but decided he was better off taking his old partner Ned instead.  

Ned was also living a peaceful life on a farm with his common law wife. He agreed to go with Munny and they both set of in pursuit of the Kid, eventually found him, and after some time the three made their way into BigWhiskey to find Delilah’s attackers.

Since their first arrival into Big Whiskey Munny was beaten by the Sheriff, sick, returned to health by the prostitutes, and succeeded in killing one of the two attackers. Ned was the first to take aim at the villain, but only managed to shoot his horse which caused the attackers leg to break. Ned refused to go through with the kill and Munny, after several shots, hit the cowboy in his lower chest. Ned had had enough of killing and mounted his horse to ride home, leaving Munny and the Kid to finish the job on their own.
Ned was caught by Little Bill’s men and was taken into be interrogated. Meanwhile Schofield and Munny set off to find the other attacker, who Little Bill had ordered to be protected by several men. They waited outside the house where the attacker and his guard were holed up. The attacker came outside to use the outhouse and Schofield waited until he was finished before shooting him. The Kid confessed he had never killed anyone before, and couldn’t live with the fact he had killed a man, resolving never to kill again.

One of the prostitutes brought the reward money and the news that Ned had been killed by Little Bill. Munny sent the reward home with the Kid, ordering him to give it to his two children, and rode into town with a bottle of whiskey in hand towards the saloon and whorehouse. Ned lay dead in an open casket outside the building with a sign that read “This is what happens to assassins around here.” The establishment was filled with most of the townsmen and the Sherrif.  Munny did not hesitate to shoot the owner, everyone else, and finally aimed his rifle at the Sherrif, downing the last of his whiskey. Little Bill claimed he didn’t deserve to be killed, to which money replied, “Deserves got nothing to do with it” Little Bill then said, “I’ll see you in hell, William Munny.” Munny simply replied, “Yeah,” and shot him. William Munny left Big Whiskey and moved to San Francisco with his children.

In this film everyone was to blame. If those men hadn’t cut up Delilah, the Sheriff wouldn’t have needed to punish them. If the Sheriff dealt with the problem more justly, the prostitutes wouldn’t have sent out the bounty. If the prostitutes didn’t send out the bounty, Schofeild wouldn’t have gone to find Munny, and wouldn’t have had to face the pain of killing anyone. If Munny didn’t agree to the job he wouldn’t have had to kill anyone, he wouldn’t have gone to take Ned, and if he didn’t take Ned with him, Ned wouldn’t have been killed. If Ned didn’t agree to go with Munny, he wouldn’t have had to shoot anyone, and wouldn’t have been killed. All this tells me that everyone is at fault to some degree. I feel like the Sheriff was the most at fault because he wasn’t doing his job to protect the town like he was supposed to. Instead it seemed like he enjoyed the mayhem and the power of controlling it all. If there is anyone in this film who was the least to blame, it would probably be Ned, because he never killed anyone and did leave, but he still went in the first place. To me everyone is to blame, and no one is forgiven, hence the title. No one had to hurt anyone, but in the end they all did. If those men didn’t attack Delilah, none of it would have happened, but if they didn’t then there wouldn’t be a film, and it was a good film.